


Goodbye(I loved you, I love you. Present-tense)

by elsalovelove



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, phan breakup, they're already in a relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 08:43:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13096515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elsalovelove/pseuds/elsalovelove
Summary: "I loved you so much. I love you so much. I still love you so much that it scares me. Present-tense.But our time is up."





	Goodbye(I loved you, I love you. Present-tense)

Dan waited in the streets for his boyfriend. It was after work, and Phil had said that he would take him on a short date and drive him home. He could see his breath, coming and going like a smoke of a fire. He bounced on his heels, wrapping himself tightly in his parka.

It was cold winter. The street had been lightly snowed upon, and ice hang from the trees and windowsills. For once, London looked beautiful as it seemed in tourist pictures.

A grey car pulled up into the empty driveway in a lazy speed. Dan lifted his head from where it nested on his scarf and waved at the driver. 

The car stopped in front of him, and Dan got into the front passenger seat, next to where Phil was sitting. His boyfriend smiled at him warmly. Dan smiled back.

They pulled into the parking lot of a nearby brunch cafe(they called it ‘brunch cafe,’ but really, it was just a light meal cafe). Phil held the door open for Dan, to which he graciously curtseyed like a princess and giggled, “Thanks.”

The cafe was bustling with people, but the atmosphere was comfortable and warm. Maybe it was because of the warm, brownish light, or the furnace at the end of the room. 

They walked to the counter, and Dan skimmed over the menu. 

“What do you want to eat?” He mumbled to Phil. 

“Nah. I’m not hungry. You eat something.” Phil wrapped his arms around Dan, and he leaned into the familiar touch.

“You sure?”

Phil hummed, so he turned to order a grilled cheese sandwich with warm americano coffee to a scandalized looking staff. 

While Dan munched on his sandwich, his eyes rolling back orgasmically as he tasted the warm and gooey cheese, Phil watched him fondly. Between gulps of food and drink, Dan rambled on about what his boss had said at work, how his peers jeered at him, and how he was the best in his unit. Phil laughed at that bit, and Dan pretended to look offended. 

“What?” He demanded, though the creeping smile on his lips betrayed him.

“Nothing. I mean, sure, you are the best. You’re the best in the entire world.” Phil said jokingly, but his eyes mixed with sadness as he uttered the last sentence. His warm blue eyes(Dan didn’t realize that blue eyes could be warm before he met Phil) reflected the gently dancing fire at the far end of the room(Dan wasn’t sure how, but logic). 

He swallowed hard, his throat burning at the sudden contact with the rough bread. Clearing his throat, he sipped at his coffee and managed to choke back, “Yeah.”

They made small talk until the staff came over with an obvious disgust on her face to tell them that the cafe was closing.   
“Shit,” Dan muttered. “It’s 10 PM. I have a fuckton amount of work due two days later. If I don’t start today, I’m gonna get lectured by my boss.”

“I’ll take you home,” said Phil as he gathered their things and got up. He took Dan’s parka in his arms while Dan was busy cleaning up their table and held it out for him to wear it.

They walked in silence to the alleyway where Phil had parked his car, Dan walking behind Phil. Then, halfway, Phil turned around and smiled.

“Here,” Phil held out his hand, taking off his glove. 

Dan smiled back, though he felt like he was scrunching up his face more than smiling. He mumbled, “Yeah,” his lips numb from the cold.

Short after, they reached Phil’s car. Phil didn’t even search for Dan’s small apartment building. Phil, the person that got lost in his own hometown streets, remembered where Dan’s small flat was. 

They drove in silence, the windscreen wiper flicking back and forth in front of them to keep the front clear of snow. Dan looked out his side of window; London reflected in the black, churning lake. He wished that this was a film, and that he could ‘stop time’(as much as he always scoffed when that happened in movie scenes). The moment where the little snowflake was stopped right in front of his eyes at the other side of the window, London reflected on the lake, and his boyfriend driving beside him quietly.

Of course, this isn’t a movie. No such thing happens.

Phil slips his free hand into Dan’s cold one. Dan lets the heat from Phil’s hand seep into his own, relishing in the way they are sharing body heat. 

All too soon, they stop in front of Dan’s apartment. 

Dan looks at Phil, who doesn’t turn to look at him back. 

“Phil,” he says softly. 

Phil turns to look at him with a bright smile. “You know that you are the love of my life, right?”

He stares at Phil for a few minutes. Dan takes in his soft and pale skin, the way they illuminate against the bright light of the street lamp, how his eyes turn from blue, green, and yellow so frequently that it’s hard to tell what color they are.

He doesn’t reply to Phil’s question. Instead, he jokes, “Don’t cry when you drive. You’re gonna crash the car.”

Phil smiles his beautiful smile, his tongue tucked between his uneven teeth. “Don’t you dare cry when you get home. I’m gonna kick down your door if I hear that.”

“I loved you. I love you,” Dan whispers, suddenly serious. “I love you still. Present-tense.”

“Yeah,” Phil whispers back. “Me too.”

“I’ll never meet anyone like you. Ever.”

They look down at their intertwined hands and smile. Dan blinks back his tears. 

They share the same simple goodbyes as usual. But today, they repeat them.

“Bye.” Dan is about to hoist his body out of Phil’s car when Phil calls.

“Wait! Here, take your stuff.” He hands Dan a doll that Phil won for him at a game at pride parade, his backpack, his spare pencil case, and a notebook. Little trails of his existence in Phil’s car.

“Oh. Yeah.” He takes them into his arm, tucking them under his parka so that they won’t get soggy from the snow. “Bye.”

“Go home safe.”

“Yeah. You too. Take care.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

With a final wave, Dan walks to his apartment building. 

Phil always waited long enough for Dan to have gotten inside the building when he took Dan home late, making sure that he had gotten there safe, and Dan loved it so much that he always hid behind the building, waiting for Phil’s car to ignite.

Today, it’s a long time before he hears the familiar vroom of the engine starting.

…

_To: Philip Lester_  
From: Daniel Howell  
Date: 10/19/22 

_Phil Lester. Love of my life Phil Lester._

_I never new that what I felt for you was possible for a human-being to feel until I met you.  
I loved you. I love you. I still love you a fuckton. I-stil-love-you-present-tense._

_We met when I was 18, in 2009. You were my idol. Even then, I think I loved you. Is that even possible, to love someone that you might never meet? Maybe you and I are proof of that._

_I gathered every last penny I had to take the train ride to where you lived. Just so I could see your face. I wasn’t sure if the butterflies in my stomach were from the nervousness and the excitement of meeting my idol, or if I was falling in love with you. Looking back, I was falling in love with you._

_We spent the last 13 years together. We had a chemistry. We fit. We were a panoply(you being an English major, I assume you know what that means. Although I’m not sure if I’m using the word correctly)._

_I never wanted anything more than to be near you. To cuddle up with you. You were a literal ray of sunshine. You still are._

_Your smile is beautiful. Have I ever told you that? I can’t look away from your pink tongue encased between your jagged teeth. Your eyes light up. Your whole face lights up._

_You didn’t question me or judge me when I dropped out of university. You didn’t judge me when I talked about the things I loved. You didn’t judge me for being myself._

_How do you manage to be so adorable? You’re 4 years older than me, and you’re so adorable._

_I’ll never find anyone like you._

_We spent 11 sunshine years together. I don’t want to, but I can’t snatch away the feeling that maybe we’ve reached our time._

_I loved you, I loved you, I loved you._

_I still love you. Present-tense._

_…_

_To: Daniel Howell_  
From: Philip Lester  
Date: 10/19/22 

_Dan Howell. I don’t know where you came from. You weren’t there, and then suddenly you were. You wouldn’t stop commenting on my YouTube videos. You wouldn’t stop tweeting me. I didn’t know what to do._

_That’s how you make me feel, Dan. You make me not know what to do. I don’t know what to do with you. You’re mine, you’re mine, you’re mine. But then you’re not. Am I sure that you’re mine? Are you sure that you’re mine?_

_I loved you for looking past my bright exterior and into my soul. I sometimes hated you for it, but in the end, I love you. You can reach inside me and pull out who I really am. Not the happy-ray-of-sunshine-Phil Lester, not the smol-angel-bean-Phil Lester. You can see who I am._

_I loved the way you opened up to me like you did to no one else. You let me comfort you and love you. That’s so much more than I could hope for. But more than that, you loved me._

_I loved the way you seemed tough on the outside, but then you showed your vulnerable inside. The way you were afraid of letting me inside your heart hurt me. It hurt me to see how much you have been hurt. I loved you for letting me comfort you._

_You are way too adorable to be a human-being, you know that? You don’t know how it feels, to see you finally embrace your curls, too see you growing up. You don’t know how it makes me feel when I see you on a Sunday morning, still asleep, your body illuminated by the morning sun. You don’t know how it feels to see your soft curls slip onto your face. You don’t know how it feels to be able to say that this overwhelmingly perfect human is my boyfriend._

_I’ll never find anyone like you._

_We’ve spent 13 years together, yet you still manage to take my breath away. You. You. You._

_I loved you so much. I love you so much. I still love you so much that it scares me. Present-tense._

_But our time is up._

_Goodbye._

**Author's Note:**

> Whew! I was having a drawing lesson when this inspiration popped into my head, and I couldn’t concentrate until I wrote this down! I should be studying for my Korean finals, but… you know how it goes


End file.
